HATE ME, I DO
Rebecca C. Schnyder
("Get it out" by Blind Pilot is playing. A mirror, a girl standing silent and immobile in front of it. Long Pause)
GIRL Go away. Go away! (Beat) I cannot stand to look at you. I cannot stand to face you in that mirror. Vicious enemy of mine. (Beat) I am my own enemy. (Beat) They are not brave enough to tell me the truth. They cannot bare to tell me to my face what they really think. I know what they think. I know when I look into that mirror. (Beat) I barely ever do. I keep the lights turned off. I cannot stand it. (Beat) Go away. Go AWAY! (Beat) I want you to go away. I want you to dissolve. To vanish. Because I want to walk lightly and not leaving footprints. You have no right to exist. Who asked you to even be? I didn't, never in my life I would. Or will. Yet I am stuck. Stuck with all of you. Monster. (Beat) Many times I feel like punching you, hitting you hard, trying to make you go away. You never do. You are there, always, a constant reminder of my failure. A constant failure. (Beat) Why can't I do it. (Beat) Worth nothing. Because I cannot shut my mouth. Cannot. Not eat. Failure. (Beat) You're there, owning me. But not for much longer. I will defeat you. I will force you to surrender. And to disappear. (Pause) Please tomorrow. I am tired. (Pause) I need to stop. (Long pause) Why should they care? Why should I. Just let me be. Let me shrink -- tiny -- bones. It's all about bones. The soft yet hard touch. (Beat) Bones. (Pause) I smile. That word makes me smile. Bones. Yes I know, they're hiding. Yes I know, they're hidden. I KNOW. Fuck you. (Pause) GO AWAY! (Beat) It's that simple. I just have to shut my mouth. (Beat) I ache to be your master, I hunger for control -- Hunger. My best friend, don´t leave me. (Beat) Beautiful bones covered, their white shiny surface buried underneath a heavy load of failure. Unloveable you. (Pause) They tell me it´s not me who´s wrong but the way I see myself. Liars. (Beat) I will carry on hating you until you look the way so I don´t have to. Until then – hiding away. No one is meant to see this unloveable you. Hate me, I do. Hate me, I do. (Pause) They don't understand, no one does. But how could they. Not wanting to open their eyes before their own failure. I like myself the way I am. You need to accept yourself for who you are. Liars. All they do is cave in to their own failure. But I know. I KNOW. (Beat) I will get rid of you. Do you hear me? Go away! (Beat) I will leave no footprints in the snow. I will free these bones. Make them reappear. Not ever again will I be too big for this world. Only hard bones covered by sheer skin. (Beat) How dare you. (Pause) Too long I had to look at you. Monster. Too long you got the better of me. No bite will cross my lips. Not a single one, you'll see. You'll see.